#10

I know i shouldn't but i really can't help it when all the whispers, the little aches that formed in my heart every time i get worried, insecure for no reasons at all. Never once have i doubted, it's just maybe a little gut feeling ? i really do not know.

I feel blessed and loved to be around him. The amount of love i have for him, for his family and for our future is so much that i am afraid if this doesn't work out as how we may have plan it to be. To imagine losing everything we have right now, though in this short period of 4 months or so. we have built so much love, trust and bond between each other that i know this will hurt me the most and it will hurt my kids even worse. 

I would love wholeheartedly and be the most supportive no. 1 fan there is out there. I would do anything to make things work yet I am not perfect, I have my fair share of flaws and anyone else, be it someone new or old, can be much better at all the things that i lack. I can be replace so easily as how those before managed to do it. 

How i hate the way things are so conflicted. For the fact that his birthday is around the corner and i am so excited to be planning and making little stuffs for him yet i am feeling all this. 

Maybe deep down, i love him more than i thought i would and i am probably afraid if he doesn't feel as much as i do or perhaps all this little emotional displays would turn things sour between us.

#09

I haven’t gotten the chance to pen down my feelings, thoughts and emotions as how I am used to. Lately, I am not at ease with myself. I got all this piled up in me that ironically while having my period, it just escalated beyond my own imaginations.

Being in this relationship isn’t the reason behind my anxiety. But I feel that maybe the talks and ‘unconfirmed’ plans about marriage in 2020, a house before the wedding is really getting to me. I am afraid we are going too extremely fast that I am scared beyond my wits. And on top of that, with the stuffs that’s happening around the family and the fact that I might be school next year just adds on to my list of worries.

I don’t know if I would be able to save enough for the whole thing and working plus studying while having to care for my kids plus on top of which if I have my own house which means more bills and expenses. I am very sure that I cannot do it on my own, physically and financially. I am not capable, I am no super woman. I am just a simple person who’s only tryna pick myself up from a bad marriage and a bad relationship. And all this, just seems too good to be true and it’s as though I am on the fast lane to something more than just anything.

I am not saying all that to hint that I am not ready to commit to my current beau. I am ready emotionally, and I know he is. Along with the fact that the kids are very extremely attached and loving him so very much. I enjoyed his company and I love how he just works his ways around me. I know that I can very much be a pain in the arse yet he still somehow clicks and goes as I goes.

Having to state all this, I hope he knows just how much I am in love with him and his family, his adik-adik. Being with him reminds me of my own childhood growing up and it is really nice to have the younger ones just looking up on me, annoying and irritating me as I adapt to their ways.

And tonight, I have the urge of doing the solat sunat Istikharah. To ask allah swt for his guidance; to show me the path to him and protect our hearts, always keep each other close. Should we be the one for each other as per how he would want it to be.

I need to get my own peace of mind without having to lose anything. And I totally don’t wanna lose him in the midst of this little madness in my head which I don’t know how to address it to him. Given how often we are getting into silent arguments or any misunderstandings, I really don’t know how to share all this without crying or raising my voice. Let’s just leave that for another story yet to be unfold.

‘Never say never

   Nor question whether,

   Two distant hearts

   Can stay together,

   For true love

   Is a ship

   That can sail

   In any weather’

- Michael Faudet