#19

Alhamdulilah. The blessed month of Ramadan is here again.

Today is 2 of 30 days of Ramadan and i am proud that i was able to do all 5 calls of prayer. Syukur Alhamdulilah. For this is the first time in my 29 years of existence that I managed to do it. I don't mean to brag but this is an accomplishment that i never thought i was capable of. And i hope that i would be able to continue doing this on my off days and In Shaa Allah, i will read the Quran as well during this blessed month. Amin.

Unfortunately, we are in the midst of the Covid situation which makes it even sadder to fast during this blessed month. In a way, Singapore is currently on 'Lockdown' or should i say, 'StayHomeSG' till slightly after Eid. It is not the same as every other year, i don't mind not having the bazaar and all. To me, this two months that is celebrated by us, Muslim is all about our families and loved ones. 

I've always looked forward to the family gathering we have as we break our fast together. Going to mother's house a day before Eid to clean and neater up the house and also the first day of Eid, over at mother's place as we gather for a family photo which is a to do every Eid afternoon and of course, seek forgiveness from everyone in the family especially my mother and both my elder sister. 

But that aside, i understand and i am fully aware of how bad this Covid situation is like. This isn't an issue that should be taken lightly either. And for the safety of our loved ones, it's best that we all stay at home in hopes that this virus would actually calms down before we have our celebration.

It's been awhile since i saw my mother and everyone else. I pray and hope that all this will pass and it will be okay again. It would take awhile for everything else to recover.

With that, Selamat menunaikan ibadah puasa.

Assalamualaikum.

#18

Like the malay saying goes; jangan sebab mulut, badan binasa. 

I believe i've just singlehandedly ruined a good thing. I let my ego self say things that i never truly mean, do things that ended up hurting him, me and even our relationship. 

It should be me who feel miserable instead of him. It's my fault that I did what i did last night; given that during this current covid situation, it's hard to find time to even meet up. This has always been my problem, I am never good with my words and i never could control my own emotions. My actions and my words hardly sync when i am in mess.

It feels so empty. That i mute all my notifications knowing that none of it would be from him. I don't even feel like browsing my social med. I don't even dare tweeting in my main account or posting any IG story. Oh my god, i hate this feeling, i just wanna break down and cry.

Honestly, i am so lost right now. I don't know what do i do from here to make things better. What if i end up lost this good thing that i have right now ?

I am genuinely sorry and i hate that this had to happen. please forgive me..

#17

Who would have thought that we would have lasted this long. Our relationship has taken a stepped higher since we have been engaged almost two months now. Alhamdulilah for everything went well during the intimate ceremony we had with only close family members.

Right now, we are just looking and waiting to get ourselves a place to call home in order for us to be able to settle down. And we can't plan too much cause right now, we don't have a date to even have our soleminzation ceremony. Nevertheless, we just have to take a day at a time and not over-commit ourselves.

Amidst all chaos of trying to find out forever house and covid19, we celebrated the little boy's 4th birthday. Alhamdulilah that it was likely his rezeki that the hotel we booked for the staycay got upgraded to a four star beach resort and the amazing birthday dinner at Tiffany Cafe. The next day, they had a fun time over at kidszania. It's sad that i am hardly around when the kids and him have all the fun playing and doing things. But then, i am glad that he is always there when i have to be at work over on sundays or even on weekdays evening. And all this was made possible thanks to the man. 

I know that he would do anything for the kids even for me, to be able to spend quality time especially on our birthdays. I don't know how all this could happen to us, to me. Never in a million years, would i have dream that i was capable of being loved the way he have had showered me with. Syukur Alhamdulilah. 

It's not always rainbows and butterflies. We have our fair share of bad days and moments too. I would just ignore him and he would even do the same thing which we would end up going to sleep angry or maybe that usually happens when i am on my PMS. I can't deny the number of times that i ignore him till the next day, and he also isn't the sort who would pujuk and stuffs like that. I understands yet at times, I just wanna things to be my way. 

On days, that i jokes about how i would have to tolerate his nonsenses and how i cannot deal with it anymore ; i wondered if secretly he got offended. I am madly in love with the man, i would miss him the very next moment i leave him yet there will just be moments that i would get so annoyed at him that i wish i could scold him or even bite him to make myself feel better. 

What i truly know is that he is the one i wanna marry, to wake up next to and be with till the end of time. in shaa allah, should Allah SWT permits it. amin.

#16

A year has passed and i am still with the man who caught me off guard and made me fall head over heels for his kindness and his big heart to accept my kids as well as love this broken soul, heart of mine. Never would i have imagine moving into the new year with the same person as the previous year.

A lot have happened in 2019; from silly arguments that made the relationship stronger, stressful exam periods, hectic work schedule and planning family meet up. I feel nothing but blessed and thankful for all the things that we have accomplished. There's nothing i could ask for. Alhamdulilah.

As we start the new year with plans and goals to build our future together. I am excited, nervous that after all the talks we had before. It is finally happening. A date has been set. The families have been informed.

The ring have been bought and the text proposal, i am afraid. I kinda hoping for a something a little more given i am a hopeless romantic. Please put a little more effort? I love you Muhammad Alif, and i always will.

2 months and here we go.

May Allah swt ease all our affairs. From the start of the preparations till the end of our ceremony. In shaa allah. Amin. Amin. 

#15

It has been months since i last rant in here. Alhamdulilah for everything has been well and rather hectic with all the events, exams and work. I don't know how many times i've drafted this entry and open to rewrite. Each time i do that, the stories i wanna tell alter from the previous one. I can't help my proactive brain.

In November, we celebrated bella birthday at a chalet and it was the day for our family side to meet each other. I would confidently say that it went rather well. It was our first time tryna organise a party on our own. Having to worry about the food, the games, the goodie bags and everything else. And the end results was what we were looking forward to. 

We also applied for a place in cck which unfortunately we didn't get it this time round. I can't deny that i am a tad dissapointed but hey, let's look at the bright side of things, it only means more months for us to save up for the whole thing. With that aside, everything else seems to be going our way. Alhamdulilah, to finally have my name out from the toa payoh house. I couldn't more thankful that things looks like its going pretty well for us.

The boyfriend managed to convince me to go on a trip with him and so we planned for a short vacation to krabi and phuket right after my school term. It would be my first flight out of singapore and i am going with the man who i am terribly in love with. Gonna take this chance to actually unwind after a hectic 2019 from juggling both school and work. 

He also surprised me with not one but two rings to celebrate our fifteen and also as a token of appreciation. I am awed at this man for always doing his best for me, for my kids. I always tend to try to be as good as how he is at gifting, surprising me with gifts and such but i cannot be anywhere close. The only way i can repay him back is to love, appreciate his efforts and trust him but i haven't been doing so well in that department. 

Last week, we had an advance birthday celebration for the boyfriend; Chalet, bbq and karaoke. Officially met the island boys in one sitting, felt like the odd one out but manage to talk abit here and there. Having to see the boyfriend with his boys and knowing how long it has been since he met all of them just makes me feel that that night was supposed to happen, it is something we will all remember. To many more outings/gathering with them who has always had his back through his NS life. 

To be honest, i don't really mind him going out with his island boys. I trust my boyfriend enough and i feel he too needs his boys night out as much as i need mine. Besides, seems like everyone is settling down; getting married and having kids. Naturally, it is only right that I let the man have some time before getting married and even after marriage, I would always try to compromise and be the best that i can be for him, for us.

2020 is in a matter of days and the plans for our future somewhat kickstart whereby the merisik, the saving for our forever home and the day. Slowly yet surely, we will get there. No matter how hard it might get, may we still be holding on to each other towards our goals.

Bismillah. May Allah SWT ease our affairs, May HE look after this love of ours. Amin.

#14

Lately, i have been under alot of stress that's related to almost everything i have, i am doing. My health for instance ; like hello mr monthly, when in the world are you gonna pop out again. Honestly, i miss having my monthly bleed session. Because as it is, i am not pregnant at all! And boy, its not funny to not have your period for a couple of months.

So naturally, i am worried what if there's something wrong with me ? All the negative vibes came to me like, what if i can bore another child ? Then i won't be able to be a good wife or a proper woman. Right now, all i can do is wait for my appointments and follow through everything till i know just what is wrong with me.

Next up, school. Boy, i dread the exams that we have every two months and its like every day is a new subject. I cannot miss a day of school which thank goodness, i never missed one yet. I cannot process the whole thing in my head cause it's just too much things to remember, all the scientific names and what not. Oh please spare me.

Yet, alhamdulilah. The first exam we had, i passed and a Grade A on top of that. All the worrying, last minute uncompleted revision led me to unnessasary negative thoughts. But i still don't wanna get to happy about it, i still have 1 week till the next one. So time to study like mad again. Ugh.

Work is pretty much the way it is already. The stress level is up there but i try my utmost best to never be bothered too much by it cz it will bring me nowhere at all. I am just pretty much waiting for the time that i can voice out and tell my bosses how i feel about being a 'senior nurse' and what not.

What makes work easier are my colleagues and knowing the closest two i know is leaving soon kinda breaks me. Firstly, the system we have the clinic is standard and the three of us knows just how best to do things, handover to the best interest of the next person who takes over our shift. I just don't want the system to be overrun and restarting friendship is so gonna be hard.

Who doesn't stress out for their wedding ? The irony. It is such a stressful matter cause its bringing two families together as much as it is to witness our love and us stepping into a new phase in life as husband and wife. Could we just fast forward to the date so to avoid the whole process which is so tedious and draining. Ugh.

I can't even put in words just how stressful this is to me. I am as nervous as heck for the fact that both Alif & I have decided that we shall let our parents, families meet and so called have the merisik session of knowing our intentions to get married in 2021. Yep, it seems like a long time to go but nope. 18 months to plan and save for a wedding is actually too short of a time.

And on top of which, we will need to prepare and search for a place for us to call home. Oh my. That is gonna be alot of money to spend. There is still alot to discuss and talk with the partner but overall, we kinda know what isit we wanna do. And counting down to the months is nerve-wrecking.

With every bad negative, there is a good to it. Sigh. I couldn't be more glad and blessed with everything kinda going the way it supposed to be. Yet, i still worries for god know what.

To the man who is my laughing buddy, my cuddle teddybear, my singing partner, my heart&soul ; thank you so much for wanting to go down this path with me alongside the kids. Thank you for being patient with me and tolerating my mood swings + merajok moments. Thank you for always having a way to make me smile again and always thinkng positive over certain things. Thank you for always being open to my suggestions on certain matters. I am sorry that i have a tendency of keeping certain things to myself and always assuming the worse in simply everything. I will try to share with you whatever doubts i have i  the future.

I am truly thankful and blessed to be loved by you. Syukur alhamdulilah. May allah swt ease our affairs till the date that we wed and till we age & grow old together. Amin. Amin.

#13

As much as deep down, i know something went wrong somewhere. Even though i can't get it out of you, i sorta see through everything that has been happening. I am not going to push you for answers cause that might just push you away from me. Knowing how you dislike complicated situations, and maybe you just don't wanna hurt my feelings.

I have to admit that its shockingly sad to feel left out when i am not really part of the family yet. Because i have gotten used to the fact of always being around and seeing all those instagram stories, makes me even sadder. But who am i to say anything right ?

It doesn't seem like our presence are missed. That itself shows what actually might had happened. There's no more texts from anyone anymore. Even if so, there is no need to be bias about anything as trivia as this. I believe that it won't hurt to have things the way it were. Unfortunately for me, i believe we are out. Be it temporary or permanent.

If only i wasn't too observant and too sensitive to begin with then maybe i won't be as disappointed and sad about this. To even speak about this matter, i know i have no rights at all. So, i can only stand on the sideline and watch. Seems kejam kan ? Nope, i am just not family. That's why.

Having said that, i have no hard feelings for anyone whatsoever. Every household have their own flaws and problems, it is up to them how much they want to let us know. Ironically, i wish i knew alittle bit more rather than being kept in the dark. Just this poor fragile heart of mine just feels a little more than anyone else that no one ever bothers to acknowledge. I just hope that when Eid comes around, i get to see everyone again cause truly i miss all, not just the love of my life.

Assalamualaikum.

#12

Looking back at the past months, 2019 have indeed been a good year so far. i am thankful beyond words seeing everything unfolding on its own. syukur alhamdulilah. Indeed, it was tough at the start.

I had trouble getting enough rest while juggling work and school. Whereas work, i had to take over the role of the head nurse and do almost everything from scratch but thankfully, the bosses rendered some help from the other branch so that i won't drown on my own.

The quiet support from the family and the little spark in me to somewhat prove to Mother that i am not totally a disappointment. I want her to see that i am able to stand on my own with my kids in tow and that i could do that with minimal help from the family. 

And also, looking at how the relationship is progressing onwards with everyone's approval. We are just waiting till end of the year till we speak up and talk about marriage. Though, i believe my family is very well aware. I have minimal to worry about apart from the saving and the little 'moments' i tend to have. 

I am alittle too insecure of other things that makes me a nerve-wreck. My ego is one of my weakness, that i have to admit that sometimes, i just don't wanna be the one who kinda does everything in a relationship yet i don't wanna voice out which in a way, hurt us for abit. 

I need to better my relationship with Allah SWT and find peace within myself to be able to control my emotions and not react unnecessarily. And this is definitely a good month to start all over again, where i left off last year when i was broken-hearted. I believe i can make it a habit and a to do everyday.

#11

For once in my whole 10 years or so, this would be the first time i ever saw myself as my younger self. One with so much dreams and hopes for the future. And i have never felt so free and alive before.

After all the drama, pains & heartaches that I've been through, i am stronger and more certain of what i need in life. A step closer to going back to school, have a more stable position with the clinic & the most important part of all, having the silent approval from the family of the man i chose to love.

Slowly yet surely, i am getting where i want to be and this time, i won't be naive and blinded again. Should anything happen to jeopardize my little bubble of happiness or dreams, i will not hesitate to leave from anything that blocks me from doing the best i can for our little future.

For what's worth, i will leave my faith in Allah Swt and seek in him for every little doubts, troubles that i may face for HE knows it best. If it's meant to be, it will be. In Shaa allah. We plan but HE decides.  

#10

I know i shouldn't but i really can't help it when all the whispers, the little aches that formed in my heart every time i get worried, insecure for no reasons at all. Never once have i doubted, it's just maybe a little gut feeling ? i really do not know.

I feel blessed and loved to be around him. The amount of love i have for him, for his family and for our future is so much that i am afraid if this doesn't work out as how we may have plan it to be. To imagine losing everything we have right now, though in this short period of 4 months or so. we have built so much love, trust and bond between each other that i know this will hurt me the most and it will hurt my kids even worse. 

I would love wholeheartedly and be the most supportive no. 1 fan there is out there. I would do anything to make things work yet I am not perfect, I have my fair share of flaws and anyone else, be it someone new or old, can be much better at all the things that i lack. I can be replace so easily as how those before managed to do it. 

How i hate the way things are so conflicted. For the fact that his birthday is around the corner and i am so excited to be planning and making little stuffs for him yet i am feeling all this. 

Maybe deep down, i love him more than i thought i would and i am probably afraid if he doesn't feel as much as i do or perhaps all this little emotional displays would turn things sour between us.

#09

I haven’t gotten the chance to pen down my feelings, thoughts and emotions as how I am used to. Lately, I am not at ease with myself. I got all this piled up in me that ironically while having my period, it just escalated beyond my own imaginations.

Being in this relationship isn’t the reason behind my anxiety. But I feel that maybe the talks and ‘unconfirmed’ plans about marriage in 2020, a house before the wedding is really getting to me. I am afraid we are going too extremely fast that I am scared beyond my wits. And on top of that, with the stuffs that’s happening around the family and the fact that I might be school next year just adds on to my list of worries.

I don’t know if I would be able to save enough for the whole thing and working plus studying while having to care for my kids plus on top of which if I have my own house which means more bills and expenses. I am very sure that I cannot do it on my own, physically and financially. I am not capable, I am no super woman. I am just a simple person who’s only tryna pick myself up from a bad marriage and a bad relationship. And all this, just seems too good to be true and it’s as though I am on the fast lane to something more than just anything.

I am not saying all that to hint that I am not ready to commit to my current beau. I am ready emotionally, and I know he is. Along with the fact that the kids are very extremely attached and loving him so very much. I enjoyed his company and I love how he just works his ways around me. I know that I can very much be a pain in the arse yet he still somehow clicks and goes as I goes.

Having to state all this, I hope he knows just how much I am in love with him and his family, his adik-adik. Being with him reminds me of my own childhood growing up and it is really nice to have the younger ones just looking up on me, annoying and irritating me as I adapt to their ways.

And tonight, I have the urge of doing the solat sunat Istikharah. To ask allah swt for his guidance; to show me the path to him and protect our hearts, always keep each other close. Should we be the one for each other as per how he would want it to be.

I need to get my own peace of mind without having to lose anything. And I totally don’t wanna lose him in the midst of this little madness in my head which I don’t know how to address it to him. Given how often we are getting into silent arguments or any misunderstandings, I really don’t know how to share all this without crying or raising my voice. Let’s just leave that for another story yet to be unfold.

‘Never say never

   Nor question whether,

   Two distant hearts

   Can stay together,

   For true love

   Is a ship

   That can sail

   In any weather’

- Michael Faudet