#13

As much as deep down, i know something went wrong somewhere. Even though i can't get it out of you, i sorta see through everything that has been happening. I am not going to push you for answers cause that might just push you away from me. Knowing how you dislike complicated situations, and maybe you just don't wanna hurt my feelings.

I have to admit that its shockingly sad to feel left out when i am not really part of the family yet. Because i have gotten used to the fact of always being around and seeing all those instagram stories, makes me even sadder. But who am i to say anything right ?

It doesn't seem like our presence are missed. That itself shows what actually might had happened. There's no more texts from anyone anymore. Even if so, there is no need to be bias about anything as trivia as this. I believe that it won't hurt to have things the way it were. Unfortunately for me, i believe we are out. Be it temporary or permanent.

If only i wasn't too observant and too sensitive to begin with then maybe i won't be as disappointed and sad about this. To even speak about this matter, i know i have no rights at all. So, i can only stand on the sideline and watch. Seems kejam kan ? Nope, i am just not family. That's why.

Having said that, i have no hard feelings for anyone whatsoever. Every household have their own flaws and problems, it is up to them how much they want to let us know. Ironically, i wish i knew alittle bit more rather than being kept in the dark. Just this poor fragile heart of mine just feels a little more than anyone else that no one ever bothers to acknowledge. I just hope that when Eid comes around, i get to see everyone again cause truly i miss all, not just the love of my life.

Assalamualaikum.

#12

Looking back at the past months, 2019 have indeed been a good year so far. i am thankful beyond words seeing everything unfolding on its own. syukur alhamdulilah. Indeed, it was tough at the start.

I had trouble getting enough rest while juggling work and school. Whereas work, i had to take over the role of the head nurse and do almost everything from scratch but thankfully, the bosses rendered some help from the other branch so that i won't drown on my own.

The quiet support from the family and the little spark in me to somewhat prove to Mother that i am not totally a disappointment. I want her to see that i am able to stand on my own with my kids in tow and that i could do that with minimal help from the family. 

And also, looking at how the relationship is progressing onwards with everyone's approval. We are just waiting till end of the year till we speak up and talk about marriage. Though, i believe my family is very well aware. I have minimal to worry about apart from the saving and the little 'moments' i tend to have. 

I am alittle too insecure of other things that makes me a nerve-wreck. My ego is one of my weakness, that i have to admit that sometimes, i just don't wanna be the one who kinda does everything in a relationship yet i don't wanna voice out which in a way, hurt us for abit. 

I need to better my relationship with Allah SWT and find peace within myself to be able to control my emotions and not react unnecessarily. And this is definitely a good month to start all over again, where i left off last year when i was broken-hearted. I believe i can make it a habit and a to do everyday.