#19

Alhamdulilah. The blessed month of Ramadan is here again.

Today is 2 of 30 days of Ramadan and i am proud that i was able to do all 5 calls of prayer. Syukur Alhamdulilah. For this is the first time in my 29 years of existence that I managed to do it. I don't mean to brag but this is an accomplishment that i never thought i was capable of. And i hope that i would be able to continue doing this on my off days and In Shaa Allah, i will read the Quran as well during this blessed month. Amin.

Unfortunately, we are in the midst of the Covid situation which makes it even sadder to fast during this blessed month. In a way, Singapore is currently on 'Lockdown' or should i say, 'StayHomeSG' till slightly after Eid. It is not the same as every other year, i don't mind not having the bazaar and all. To me, this two months that is celebrated by us, Muslim is all about our families and loved ones. 

I've always looked forward to the family gathering we have as we break our fast together. Going to mother's house a day before Eid to clean and neater up the house and also the first day of Eid, over at mother's place as we gather for a family photo which is a to do every Eid afternoon and of course, seek forgiveness from everyone in the family especially my mother and both my elder sister. 

But that aside, i understand and i am fully aware of how bad this Covid situation is like. This isn't an issue that should be taken lightly either. And for the safety of our loved ones, it's best that we all stay at home in hopes that this virus would actually calms down before we have our celebration.

It's been awhile since i saw my mother and everyone else. I pray and hope that all this will pass and it will be okay again. It would take awhile for everything else to recover.

With that, Selamat menunaikan ibadah puasa.

Assalamualaikum.

#18

Like the malay saying goes; jangan sebab mulut, badan binasa. 

I believe i've just singlehandedly ruined a good thing. I let my ego self say things that i never truly mean, do things that ended up hurting him, me and even our relationship. 

It should be me who feel miserable instead of him. It's my fault that I did what i did last night; given that during this current covid situation, it's hard to find time to even meet up. This has always been my problem, I am never good with my words and i never could control my own emotions. My actions and my words hardly sync when i am in mess.

It feels so empty. That i mute all my notifications knowing that none of it would be from him. I don't even feel like browsing my social med. I don't even dare tweeting in my main account or posting any IG story. Oh my god, i hate this feeling, i just wanna break down and cry.

Honestly, i am so lost right now. I don't know what do i do from here to make things better. What if i end up lost this good thing that i have right now ?

I am genuinely sorry and i hate that this had to happen. please forgive me..

#17

Who would have thought that we would have lasted this long. Our relationship has taken a stepped higher since we have been engaged almost two months now. Alhamdulilah for everything went well during the intimate ceremony we had with only close family members.

Right now, we are just looking and waiting to get ourselves a place to call home in order for us to be able to settle down. And we can't plan too much cause right now, we don't have a date to even have our soleminzation ceremony. Nevertheless, we just have to take a day at a time and not over-commit ourselves.

Amidst all chaos of trying to find out forever house and covid19, we celebrated the little boy's 4th birthday. Alhamdulilah that it was likely his rezeki that the hotel we booked for the staycay got upgraded to a four star beach resort and the amazing birthday dinner at Tiffany Cafe. The next day, they had a fun time over at kidszania. It's sad that i am hardly around when the kids and him have all the fun playing and doing things. But then, i am glad that he is always there when i have to be at work over on sundays or even on weekdays evening. And all this was made possible thanks to the man. 

I know that he would do anything for the kids even for me, to be able to spend quality time especially on our birthdays. I don't know how all this could happen to us, to me. Never in a million years, would i have dream that i was capable of being loved the way he have had showered me with. Syukur Alhamdulilah. 

It's not always rainbows and butterflies. We have our fair share of bad days and moments too. I would just ignore him and he would even do the same thing which we would end up going to sleep angry or maybe that usually happens when i am on my PMS. I can't deny the number of times that i ignore him till the next day, and he also isn't the sort who would pujuk and stuffs like that. I understands yet at times, I just wanna things to be my way. 

On days, that i jokes about how i would have to tolerate his nonsenses and how i cannot deal with it anymore ; i wondered if secretly he got offended. I am madly in love with the man, i would miss him the very next moment i leave him yet there will just be moments that i would get so annoyed at him that i wish i could scold him or even bite him to make myself feel better. 

What i truly know is that he is the one i wanna marry, to wake up next to and be with till the end of time. in shaa allah, should Allah SWT permits it. amin.

#16

A year has passed and i am still with the man who caught me off guard and made me fall head over heels for his kindness and his big heart to accept my kids as well as love this broken soul, heart of mine. Never would i have imagine moving into the new year with the same person as the previous year.

A lot have happened in 2019; from silly arguments that made the relationship stronger, stressful exam periods, hectic work schedule and planning family meet up. I feel nothing but blessed and thankful for all the things that we have accomplished. There's nothing i could ask for. Alhamdulilah.

As we start the new year with plans and goals to build our future together. I am excited, nervous that after all the talks we had before. It is finally happening. A date has been set. The families have been informed.

The ring have been bought and the text proposal, i am afraid. I kinda hoping for a something a little more given i am a hopeless romantic. Please put a little more effort? I love you Muhammad Alif, and i always will.

2 months and here we go.

May Allah swt ease all our affairs. From the start of the preparations till the end of our ceremony. In shaa allah. Amin. Amin.