#15

It has been months since i last rant in here. Alhamdulilah for everything has been well and rather hectic with all the events, exams and work. I don't know how many times i've drafted this entry and open to rewrite. Each time i do that, the stories i wanna tell alter from the previous one. I can't help my proactive brain.

In November, we celebrated bella birthday at a chalet and it was the day for our family side to meet each other. I would confidently say that it went rather well. It was our first time tryna organise a party on our own. Having to worry about the food, the games, the goodie bags and everything else. And the end results was what we were looking forward to. 

We also applied for a place in cck which unfortunately we didn't get it this time round. I can't deny that i am a tad dissapointed but hey, let's look at the bright side of things, it only means more months for us to save up for the whole thing. With that aside, everything else seems to be going our way. Alhamdulilah, to finally have my name out from the toa payoh house. I couldn't more thankful that things looks like its going pretty well for us.

The boyfriend managed to convince me to go on a trip with him and so we planned for a short vacation to krabi and phuket right after my school term. It would be my first flight out of singapore and i am going with the man who i am terribly in love with. Gonna take this chance to actually unwind after a hectic 2019 from juggling both school and work. 

He also surprised me with not one but two rings to celebrate our fifteen and also as a token of appreciation. I am awed at this man for always doing his best for me, for my kids. I always tend to try to be as good as how he is at gifting, surprising me with gifts and such but i cannot be anywhere close. The only way i can repay him back is to love, appreciate his efforts and trust him but i haven't been doing so well in that department. 

Last week, we had an advance birthday celebration for the boyfriend; Chalet, bbq and karaoke. Officially met the island boys in one sitting, felt like the odd one out but manage to talk abit here and there. Having to see the boyfriend with his boys and knowing how long it has been since he met all of them just makes me feel that that night was supposed to happen, it is something we will all remember. To many more outings/gathering with them who has always had his back through his NS life. 

To be honest, i don't really mind him going out with his island boys. I trust my boyfriend enough and i feel he too needs his boys night out as much as i need mine. Besides, seems like everyone is settling down; getting married and having kids. Naturally, it is only right that I let the man have some time before getting married and even after marriage, I would always try to compromise and be the best that i can be for him, for us.

2020 is in a matter of days and the plans for our future somewhat kickstart whereby the merisik, the saving for our forever home and the day. Slowly yet surely, we will get there. No matter how hard it might get, may we still be holding on to each other towards our goals.

Bismillah. May Allah SWT ease our affairs, May HE look after this love of ours. Amin.

#14

Lately, i have been under alot of stress that's related to almost everything i have, i am doing. My health for instance ; like hello mr monthly, when in the world are you gonna pop out again. Honestly, i miss having my monthly bleed session. Because as it is, i am not pregnant at all! And boy, its not funny to not have your period for a couple of months.

So naturally, i am worried what if there's something wrong with me ? All the negative vibes came to me like, what if i can bore another child ? Then i won't be able to be a good wife or a proper woman. Right now, all i can do is wait for my appointments and follow through everything till i know just what is wrong with me.

Next up, school. Boy, i dread the exams that we have every two months and its like every day is a new subject. I cannot miss a day of school which thank goodness, i never missed one yet. I cannot process the whole thing in my head cause it's just too much things to remember, all the scientific names and what not. Oh please spare me.

Yet, alhamdulilah. The first exam we had, i passed and a Grade A on top of that. All the worrying, last minute uncompleted revision led me to unnessasary negative thoughts. But i still don't wanna get to happy about it, i still have 1 week till the next one. So time to study like mad again. Ugh.

Work is pretty much the way it is already. The stress level is up there but i try my utmost best to never be bothered too much by it cz it will bring me nowhere at all. I am just pretty much waiting for the time that i can voice out and tell my bosses how i feel about being a 'senior nurse' and what not.

What makes work easier are my colleagues and knowing the closest two i know is leaving soon kinda breaks me. Firstly, the system we have the clinic is standard and the three of us knows just how best to do things, handover to the best interest of the next person who takes over our shift. I just don't want the system to be overrun and restarting friendship is so gonna be hard.

Who doesn't stress out for their wedding ? The irony. It is such a stressful matter cause its bringing two families together as much as it is to witness our love and us stepping into a new phase in life as husband and wife. Could we just fast forward to the date so to avoid the whole process which is so tedious and draining. Ugh.

I can't even put in words just how stressful this is to me. I am as nervous as heck for the fact that both Alif & I have decided that we shall let our parents, families meet and so called have the merisik session of knowing our intentions to get married in 2021. Yep, it seems like a long time to go but nope. 18 months to plan and save for a wedding is actually too short of a time.

And on top of which, we will need to prepare and search for a place for us to call home. Oh my. That is gonna be alot of money to spend. There is still alot to discuss and talk with the partner but overall, we kinda know what isit we wanna do. And counting down to the months is nerve-wrecking.

With every bad negative, there is a good to it. Sigh. I couldn't be more glad and blessed with everything kinda going the way it supposed to be. Yet, i still worries for god know what.

To the man who is my laughing buddy, my cuddle teddybear, my singing partner, my heart&soul ; thank you so much for wanting to go down this path with me alongside the kids. Thank you for being patient with me and tolerating my mood swings + merajok moments. Thank you for always having a way to make me smile again and always thinkng positive over certain things. Thank you for always being open to my suggestions on certain matters. I am sorry that i have a tendency of keeping certain things to myself and always assuming the worse in simply everything. I will try to share with you whatever doubts i have i  the future.

I am truly thankful and blessed to be loved by you. Syukur alhamdulilah. May allah swt ease our affairs till the date that we wed and till we age & grow old together. Amin. Amin.

#13

As much as deep down, i know something went wrong somewhere. Even though i can't get it out of you, i sorta see through everything that has been happening. I am not going to push you for answers cause that might just push you away from me. Knowing how you dislike complicated situations, and maybe you just don't wanna hurt my feelings.

I have to admit that its shockingly sad to feel left out when i am not really part of the family yet. Because i have gotten used to the fact of always being around and seeing all those instagram stories, makes me even sadder. But who am i to say anything right ?

It doesn't seem like our presence are missed. That itself shows what actually might had happened. There's no more texts from anyone anymore. Even if so, there is no need to be bias about anything as trivia as this. I believe that it won't hurt to have things the way it were. Unfortunately for me, i believe we are out. Be it temporary or permanent.

If only i wasn't too observant and too sensitive to begin with then maybe i won't be as disappointed and sad about this. To even speak about this matter, i know i have no rights at all. So, i can only stand on the sideline and watch. Seems kejam kan ? Nope, i am just not family. That's why.

Having said that, i have no hard feelings for anyone whatsoever. Every household have their own flaws and problems, it is up to them how much they want to let us know. Ironically, i wish i knew alittle bit more rather than being kept in the dark. Just this poor fragile heart of mine just feels a little more than anyone else that no one ever bothers to acknowledge. I just hope that when Eid comes around, i get to see everyone again cause truly i miss all, not just the love of my life.

Assalamualaikum.

#12

Looking back at the past months, 2019 have indeed been a good year so far. i am thankful beyond words seeing everything unfolding on its own. syukur alhamdulilah. Indeed, it was tough at the start.

I had trouble getting enough rest while juggling work and school. Whereas work, i had to take over the role of the head nurse and do almost everything from scratch but thankfully, the bosses rendered some help from the other branch so that i won't drown on my own.

The quiet support from the family and the little spark in me to somewhat prove to Mother that i am not totally a disappointment. I want her to see that i am able to stand on my own with my kids in tow and that i could do that with minimal help from the family. 

And also, looking at how the relationship is progressing onwards with everyone's approval. We are just waiting till end of the year till we speak up and talk about marriage. Though, i believe my family is very well aware. I have minimal to worry about apart from the saving and the little 'moments' i tend to have. 

I am alittle too insecure of other things that makes me a nerve-wreck. My ego is one of my weakness, that i have to admit that sometimes, i just don't wanna be the one who kinda does everything in a relationship yet i don't wanna voice out which in a way, hurt us for abit. 

I need to better my relationship with Allah SWT and find peace within myself to be able to control my emotions and not react unnecessarily. And this is definitely a good month to start all over again, where i left off last year when i was broken-hearted. I believe i can make it a habit and a to do everyday.

#11

For once in my whole 10 years or so, this would be the first time i ever saw myself as my younger self. One with so much dreams and hopes for the future. And i have never felt so free and alive before.

After all the drama, pains & heartaches that I've been through, i am stronger and more certain of what i need in life. A step closer to going back to school, have a more stable position with the clinic & the most important part of all, having the silent approval from the family of the man i chose to love.

Slowly yet surely, i am getting where i want to be and this time, i won't be naive and blinded again. Should anything happen to jeopardize my little bubble of happiness or dreams, i will not hesitate to leave from anything that blocks me from doing the best i can for our little future.

For what's worth, i will leave my faith in Allah Swt and seek in him for every little doubts, troubles that i may face for HE knows it best. If it's meant to be, it will be. In Shaa allah. We plan but HE decides.