#10

I know i shouldn't but i really can't help it when all the whispers, the little aches that formed in my heart every time i get worried, insecure for no reasons at all. Never once have i doubted, it's just maybe a little gut feeling ? i really do not know.

I feel blessed and loved to be around him. The amount of love i have for him, for his family and for our future is so much that i am afraid if this doesn't work out as how we may have plan it to be. To imagine losing everything we have right now, though in this short period of 4 months or so. we have built so much love, trust and bond between each other that i know this will hurt me the most and it will hurt my kids even worse. 

I would love wholeheartedly and be the most supportive no. 1 fan there is out there. I would do anything to make things work yet I am not perfect, I have my fair share of flaws and anyone else, be it someone new or old, can be much better at all the things that i lack. I can be replace so easily as how those before managed to do it. 

How i hate the way things are so conflicted. For the fact that his birthday is around the corner and i am so excited to be planning and making little stuffs for him yet i am feeling all this. 

Maybe deep down, i love him more than i thought i would and i am probably afraid if he doesn't feel as much as i do or perhaps all this little emotional displays would turn things sour between us.

#09

I haven’t gotten the chance to pen down my feelings, thoughts and emotions as how I am used to. Lately, I am not at ease with myself. I got all this piled up in me that ironically while having my period, it just escalated beyond my own imaginations.

Being in this relationship isn’t the reason behind my anxiety. But I feel that maybe the talks and ‘unconfirmed’ plans about marriage in 2020, a house before the wedding is really getting to me. I am afraid we are going too extremely fast that I am scared beyond my wits. And on top of that, with the stuffs that’s happening around the family and the fact that I might be school next year just adds on to my list of worries.

I don’t know if I would be able to save enough for the whole thing and working plus studying while having to care for my kids plus on top of which if I have my own house which means more bills and expenses. I am very sure that I cannot do it on my own, physically and financially. I am not capable, I am no super woman. I am just a simple person who’s only tryna pick myself up from a bad marriage and a bad relationship. And all this, just seems too good to be true and it’s as though I am on the fast lane to something more than just anything.

I am not saying all that to hint that I am not ready to commit to my current beau. I am ready emotionally, and I know he is. Along with the fact that the kids are very extremely attached and loving him so very much. I enjoyed his company and I love how he just works his ways around me. I know that I can very much be a pain in the arse yet he still somehow clicks and goes as I goes.

Having to state all this, I hope he knows just how much I am in love with him and his family, his adik-adik. Being with him reminds me of my own childhood growing up and it is really nice to have the younger ones just looking up on me, annoying and irritating me as I adapt to their ways.

And tonight, I have the urge of doing the solat sunat Istikharah. To ask allah swt for his guidance; to show me the path to him and protect our hearts, always keep each other close. Should we be the one for each other as per how he would want it to be.

I need to get my own peace of mind without having to lose anything. And I totally don’t wanna lose him in the midst of this little madness in my head which I don’t know how to address it to him. Given how often we are getting into silent arguments or any misunderstandings, I really don’t know how to share all this without crying or raising my voice. Let’s just leave that for another story yet to be unfold.

‘Never say never

   Nor question whether,

   Two distant hearts

   Can stay together,

   For true love

   Is a ship

   That can sail

   In any weather’

- Michael Faudet

#08

There's not a day that go by without missing you yet there are a couple of days that i miss you so badly. Like when something trigger a memories i shared with you before or when i accidentally recall the day you left us.

Ayah. I have my regrets for not being the best daughter, for not being able to be by your side at your last few moments. And for the times i made you cry, i remembered 3 occasions; the day i sat down with you and asked that you teach me how to pray, the day i came home for raya when i ran away from home after i was pregnant with Bella and the day i nikah. Ayah, i am sorry.

Ayah, there's so much that i wanna tell you, share with you. So many things has happened the past 2 years since you left us. How i wished i could still talk to you like the old times, listening to your advice and all your stories. And sometimes i feel of all that knows me, you're the only one who knows me best.

I wanna tell you that you were so right when you said that adik would be my strength to move on eventhough so much more things happened. Ayah, you were always on point when it comes to details and things like this. Raif will never know the man that you are. But Ayah, i would share with him what his grandfather was like. I would show him all your photos and he will know how much i love you still. And i bet that you would love Raif as how you love Bella when she was little. I am also sure, you would say that sebiji macam the father.

One of these days, i will come by to visit again. Either with the family or on my own like the last time. And if time permits, i shall stay longer and share to my heart's desire; i would cry by your side and pray for your well being there.

Are you watching us from wherever you are? Are you proud that I've moved on and In Shaa Allah to better things in life. I know that you're better there, that you're no longer tied to duniya. I miss you dearly. You are forever more be my king, the first man i love before everyone else.

#07

No words can summarise how much i feel for you right now. It's more than just love and i don't know how i can feel this way for someone.

They say this is just the honeymoon period. Maybe they are true but whatever it is, i don't want to stop feeling this way for you and i hope despite all the upcoming arguments, we will still be as we are right now. You bring out the best in me with the way you that love & care for my well being as well as the kids.

I am really thankful to allah swt for finally letting our paths crossed. Its true when they say that everything happens for a reason, and perhaps what we went through before all this made us understand each other other better in a way only we understand.

' Real love doesn't meet you at your best. It meets you in your mess. - Js Park '

#06

After the previous relationship, i told myself that I'm gonna lead the single life and busy myself with work, my girls, my kids & family. I don't even wanna think about finding someone new to; well, just heal this heart & love again.

I made sure that i didn't have any interest in anyone who may seems like they wanna jump the wagon. There were a few but i ignored them all until one day. 

While i was still being all melodramatic about how it ended and all, came this stranger who would randomly reply my tweets which seemingly innocently just tryna cheer me up as he was also in the same boat. Little did i know, it slowly started becoming a friendship when  i would look for him to confides in and given that i needed a guy point of view on certain issues that i couldn't wrapped my head or heart around.

Moving forward 2-3 weeks down the road, It started with a small bud blooming and how i keep shutting it out cause i wasn't ready for anything yet as it was too early to start anything. Moresoever, i was still heartbroken & pretty much still afraid of the unknown.

And now, i am his and he is mine officially. Genuinely, i believe that this would be my first being with someone based on how we felt for each other and no other motives. On top of that, the date that states the start of it all instead of the date we first met or known each other. The facts of how connected we are from being in the same kindergarten to having the same friends who know both of us to even the distance from mother's house to his camp. We could basically have seen each other but never  once till today.

Maybe this is how fate works its ways through things that we will never understand. We were so close yet so far and how we were loyal to the ones who never meant in the first place. I am blessed beyond words, i can't sum up all this emotions to say just how much this is special and important to me. Syukur alhamdulilah.

I am so in love with you, muhammad alif. Thank you so much for everything and especially for introducing me to your supportive and loving family. 

" I don't want you to love me because i'm good for you, because i say and do all the right things. Because i am everything you have been looking for.

I want to be the one that you didn't see coming. The one who gets under your skin. who makes you unsteady. Who makes you question everything you ever believed about love. Who makes you feel reckless and out of control. The one you are infuriatingly and inexplicably drawn to.

I don't want to be the one who tucks you into bed - i want to be the reason why you can't sleep at night. - Lang Leav "

#05

Hey miamor~

Saturday was something i was looking forward to. However it didn't turn out the way i wanted it to be. I expected so much more, am i to blame cause i didn't foresee this happening & i forgot that my family tends to be a tad hostile. Even though, i was never in such a position before.

On a lighter and positive light, at least Fatin was welcoming & he did get to salam mother. I won't give up, i will keep trying and hopefully get the reaction, respond that I've expecting. Since he is the first one i ever thought of introducing even before we got together.

I know it's too fast for me to move on after the last one. And also, my divorce matters just ended. So, everyone must be thinking that i am out of my mind with this current one.

The more i get to know him, his family. The more i am drawn to him. All the walls i built to keep me from falling deeper fails me as i can sense the sincerity, honesty from him. This feelings i have for him is way different from the rest in every aspect. I didn't know that i would fall for him like this.

Can i take a step forward so i am able trust him and love him wholeheartedly? And also for us to keep holding each other's through every obstacles Allah swt have in store for us. If this is meant to be, it will be. Amin.


" i wish i can apologize for falling in love with you but i can't. 
It would be like asking me to be sorry for breathing " - Michael Faudet

#04

Assalamualaikum miamor

who would imagine that after all these while, it would still hurt ? Will i eventually get over it & truly move on from all those memories, emotions that still haunts me from time to time.

I always wander into wonderment, don't they ever for once think about what we ever had, shared during the time we were together ? Did they for once, missed my presence in their lives, even if they are doing way better than how i am still coping without them in my life.

I am not saying that i am not happy or that i haven't accepted the fact of things. Alhamdulilah that in fact things are so much better compared to when i was with them. I am happier, free and calmer than i imagine.

I am in a slow and steady phase with someone who makes me feel so loved and happy. The smiles and laughter that we shared, helped me forget the pain of those headaches before he entered my life. I can't ask for anything more but just hoping that if he is, let it be. Otherwise, let it be as painless so it doesn't hurt me as badly.

And my dear, i hope that you would be able to love me as i am; the broken pieces, imperfections and all. Do know that with every bits of my heart, i love and treasure you truly.

" My greatest lesson learnt,
you were mine until you weren’t.

It was you who taught me so,
the grace in letting go.

The time we had was all—
there was not a moment more.
- Lang Leav "

#03

Never have i thought that i would feel this way again for someone. After the last time, i didn't want to get into another quite as fast. Even though, we are still in the knowing phase. My feelings for him is crystal clear.

Syukur alhamdulilah that in a way, I've moved on from the last one. Yet, apart of me is still afraid of the what if(s). The uncertainty & doubts that i feel is undeniable. The heartbreak is something i don't want to go through ever & to open up to another person; reveal all my emotions, my secrets and on top of that, my kids. They are my everything, i don't want to either of them crying again.

I am just going to take it all in while i still can. Appreciate everything this current one has to offer. This time, i am going take things slow and not hope so much for the future. I shall leave this in Allah swt hands and if this is real & meant to be, in Shaa Allah..

" He is more to me than I.

 I love him more than I can bear.
So much at times I wish to die, 

so I can end this on a high. - Lang Leav "